I’m struggling with how to write this post. I’ve started three different drafts just to have a place to share some of my recent favorite photos. This really isn’t a hard task, is it? “look, cute photos of my kids! Aren’t they adorable/crazy/funny?” There, that’s not so hard, is it? What’s the big deal?
The big deal. The elephant in the room. The reason why when people ask me in passing how I’m doing I answer simply “I’m ok.” How do I find joy in my life with my wonderful husband and my sweet and silly girls when I ache every day for the boy who is gone?
This is hard. Hard. I am grateful every day that we have these days, that I can be with my girls and my sweetie. Seven months of gratefulness that with our loss, we still have each other and get to move forward. But the other side of that coin is that moving forward feels like a betrayal of my boy. I shouldn’t be happy, because he’s not here. I shouldn’t laugh and play with my girls because he can’t watch from his bouncer and laugh at his sisters’ silly antics. I shouldn’t write upbeat, cheerful emails, Facebook posts, or blog entries when I feel such a heaviness.
And yet, I know I have to do these things. I have to move forward. I have to function. I have to help my girls feel joy. We have to laugh, to grow, to change and improve and learn. I have to feel joy, guilt-free.
And here’s my therapy. Taking pictures, capturing the everyday, these simple things that are so precious. This is helping me climb out of me, the space in my head that doesn’t want to let myself be happy just yet. I have to get there.
I hope you enjoy.